724

Phew, that’s great! How about the official NN4B Novelization? Mind you, I can’t actually pay you anything, other than my eternal joy (don’t do it, it’s a terrible offer).

Actually, that was pretty crappy. Here, let me try again…
*ahem!*

“Get out, get out, get out!”
Despite the group’s abrupt and unexpected ejection from the theater, there was an air of lightheartedness between the four of them. Ken, most surprising of all, actually wore a smile as he shouldered his massive blade, wrapped in thick brown paper like the world’s most unholy Christmas present, and made his way down the street.
“We were just kicked out by THE Ennosuke Nakamura!” he cackled, fist pumping the air in manic triumph.
“Some professional,” Yori remarked with a roll of his eyes. “He didn’t even let us stay for an encoure.”
Before he could take another step, the young samurai found his path blocked by a princess– a very cranky princess.
“Well, Mr. Wataro,” Ina’s voice carried venom when she said his name, “it seems we have a much more pressing matter to discuss. When exactly were you planning on dropping this little bombshell of yours?”
Yori gave her a sheepish smile. “Well, um…”
“And why has Ken –whose clan was obliterated by yours– not killed you five times over?”
“Yeah, about that…”
Ken threw his arm around Yori’s shoulder, giving him a chilling grin. “Simple! I’m gonna kill his old man, and L’il Wataro’s my meal ticket!”
Ina shook her head, groaning, and pointed at the blind monk who was standing nearby, smiling with blissful unawareness. “Wonderful! And I suppose our blind friend has some horrible past that’s going to swim up and bite us in the ass at the worst possible moment too?”
Cho raised a finger. “Actually–”
“BROTHER CHO!”
As one, the gang spun around to find that the street they were on was deserted, save for two black silhouettes framed by the setting sun. Together, the two figures advanced on them, revealing shaved heads, black flowing robes, and small, squinty eyes were laser-focused on the pointy hatted monk.
“Brother Wu! Brother Tang!” Cho exclaimed, taking an instinctive step backwards.
“Brother Cho, you realize your very presence here threatens us all?” said the one who had spoken before. His words were as hard as the stones Bunzo threw.
“Who are these guys?” Yori asked, looking from one of them to the other.
“Members of my Taoist monastery,” Cho answered. His voice sounded strangely grim, Yori noted. Turning back to the other monks, he said, “On his deathbed, Master Zhao selected Brother Wu and Brother Tang to lead our monastery. He also revealed the existence of an ancient prophecy entrusted to our order.”
“Wait,” Ina spun to face him. “The ‘Blind Taoist Priest in a Japense Bar Ends the World’ one?”
Brother Tang spoke again. “Precisely why, for his own good, we ordered Cho to leave the monastery and travel west.” His voice began to rise with anger. “We didn’t realize he would go IN THE ENTIRELY WRONG DIRECTION!”
Moving in perfect unison, Wu and Tang lowered themselves into battle stances.
“Which is why we’re here. To prevent him from fulfilling the prophecy… even if it means killing him to do so.”
Cho remained motionless, but Yori couldn’t help but reach for his swords. A wave of fear ran down his spine. He had seen Cho fight. If these two fought anywhere near as good as him…
To his surprise –though he wasn’t sure why he was really surprised– Ken let out a drunken laugh.
“I thought this day couldn’t be better!”
Tang narrowed his eyes. “Excuse me?”
“I just got done actin’ in the most kickass play ever.” Reaching up, Ken grabbed a handful of the brown paper that covered his sword. “And the only thing that could top that is actin’ in the most kickass play ever…”
With one fell swipe, he tore the paper free, revealing the massive dragon-encrested blade beneath.
“AND KICKIN’ YOUR ASS!”
Christmas had come early. He had unwrapped his present. Now it was time to play with it.
Hefting the sword in both hands, Ken charged at the two monks.
“Ken,” Cho warned him, “I wouldn’t advise–”
“I don’t recall asking you, Pointy Hat!”
Reluctantly, Cho stood aside.
“Brother Wu?” Asked Brother Tang.
“Got it,” said the other.
Bending his knees, Ken threw himself into the air, swinging his sword over his head as he came down.
“IT’S FREAKING OVER!” he yelled.
“Hmph,” Brother Wu grunted. Then, with a move that looked almost casual, he raised both hands– and caught the blade!
“What the?” Ken exclaimed.
“Flippin’ shnikies!” Yori whispered. “I need to reevaluate my list of stuff I thought was physically impossible!”
Ken caught a flash of motion to his right, and turned his head just in time to see Brother Wang appear as if out of thin air.
“You gotta be kidding me,” he muttered in sour acceptance.
“What was it you said about kicking ass?”
The monk’s leg shot out, striking Ken on his armored heinie, and the ronan samurai went flying forward like an arrow out of a bow. He collided with a nearby storefront, shattering the wood like it was made of matchsticks, and vanishing inside the ensuing cloud of dust.
Tang turned back to Cho. “Now, back to the matter at hand.”
“Hey!”
Tang blinked, and spun back around to see Ken stumbling out of the store he had just destroyed. Blood and bruises coated his face, and he had to lean heavily on the wall to stand, but the fire in his eyes was nearly hot enough to light Cho’s pointy hat on fire from a mile away.
“We’re not done, baldy. Not unless you’re talking about the matter of me pounding your face into a shape so ugly your ancestors will come back to life just to PUKE UP THEIR GUTS IN DISGUST AND DIE AGAIN!”
He stumbled half consciously across the road and threw a blind punch at Tang’s face. The monk merely sidestepped the blow, barely having to flex a muscle to put himself safely out of Ken’s reach. A lazy spin put him behind Ken’s back while he punched the empty air in front of himself.
“Quit dancing around like a ballerina so I can punch you, damnit!” he growled.
Tang raised his hand. “Apologies, but we have other matters that need to be attended to.”
He pushed Ken forward with the strength of a hurricane wind, using him to destroy a second storefront.
“Uh, Cho?” Yori finally asked. “Don’t you think we should, you know, help Ken or something?”
“He seems to be doing all right. Better than I expected, at least.”
“You sure?”
“No worries, Yorikiro.” The blind monk didn’t sound the least bit worried. “When the tao wants me to help, we’ll know. I just have to wait for… the sign!”
Once again, Ken came stumbling out of the rubble he had created. “All right! I was gonna hold back, seeing as how your Cho’s friends and all, but you’ve seriously pushed the extent of my cheese doodle! Naturally, when you think I’m forgiven, then you’ll see this time!”
Wu and Tang shared a look. “Excuse me?”
Ken jabbed a finger at him. “Don’t you ask me the meaning of the turquoise. You already knew because kick ass of course not, damnit!”
Then he collapsed.
Yori gave Cho a confused look. “Cheese doodle?”
Cho smiled. “The sign!”

(TO BE CONTINUED…?)

Anything to distract me from my self-imposed obligations. I seem to remember somebody’s words of wisdom about becoming MegaTokyo by fulfilling the bare minimum requirements?

Ahem. http://nn4b.com/nn4b-remixes/remix-3

Steel trap mind and an overabundance of free time!