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Ricardo ain’t goin’ nowhere without his guns!

I’m kind of a James Bond lover. I can’t say I’m a super fan or anything, but I likely have an above average knowledge of the franchise. The reason I bring it up is becase I saw Spectre a couple days ago, and now I’m gonna rant about it!

It was disappointing. Spectre has this problem where it still wants to be a Daniel Craig Bond film, with all its gritty realism, while also being a silly Sean Connery Bond film, with the impossibly polite yet evil Spectre organization and the hilariously grudge-driven Blofeld. I mean, I don’t dislike Spectre or Blofeld, I love ’em! But the film started to fall apart for me when Bond walked into a Spectre meeting full of well dressed bad guys and overheard the evil organization discussing their prostitution and drug trafficking rings like as if it was a dull executive board meeting. For all the previous Craig films’ efforts to keep the bad guys in the realm of possibility (or as possible as Bond villains can get), Spectre is too much of a cartoon concept to work in the Craig Bond universe, or at least in the very Connery-era manner it was portrayed here.

The movie is also TOO LONG. It keeps wanting to slow down to a crawl and let Bond angst out stoically while someone psychoanalyzes him. That stuff worked in the other Craig films because they were all about deconstructing the Bond character archetype. It was the sort of thing the series needed to become relevant again, I suppose, but in a movie where the bad guy sends butlers to drive you to his secret desert lair and serve you wine while he shows you his personal museum, the idea of a frank look at the murder/sex machine that is 007 feels rather out of place. If they’d cut down all the mopey scenes, the film could’ve been under two hours instead of the 2.5 hour slog it is.

The action scenes are also a kind of dull in comparison to the last three films. There’s a particularly unspectacular car chase in which Bond drives in a straight line ahead of a single henchman in a following car. It’s just one guy, Bond! And your car is a lot more advanced and such. Could you think of no other way to escape than to eject just before driving into a wall and losing your vehicle? Usually when Bond loses his cool car, it’s because the odds are slightly less in his favor.

A lot of reviews I’ve seen have loved the opening sequence during Mexico’s Day of the Dead parade, and although that beginning action sequence is pretty much the best in the movie, it doesn’t feel nearly as tense or exciting as the opening of Skyfall. It’s also notable that even though Bond blows up a building and a helicopter lands in the middle of the parade, those people just keeping parading like it’s no big! The same thing could be said for Bond’s fight on a train later in the film. Did no employee think to stop the train or call the authorities when a huge brawl and gun fight broke out? The world around Bond seems surprisingly unphased by his destructive antics this time around.

There was also a lot of talk about Monica Bellucci being a bond girl this time around. I was like “what, the nearly 50 year old Daniel Craig pairing up with a girl that’s not half his age? How progressive for a Bond film!” And then he paired up with some girl half his age anyway and it was a little weird. Bellucci was only in it long enough to get seduced and then abandoned, about five minutes. She didn’t get killed, at least! Normally every woman that sleeps with the Craig Bond DIES, he is the black widow of James Bonds.

And then there’s the continuity. I was curious how this version of Blofeld somehow created the events of the previous films and caused ‘all of Bond’s pain’. Well, I have no idea, because it’s never explained! Blofeld simply claims he did it so there. It’s also weird how much they reference Casino Royale because, I mean, wasn’t Skyfall a sort of soft reboot? In Casino Royale, Bond’s a brand new agent, Quantum of Solace (which is hilariously ignored) is a direct sequel. Then Skyfall comes along and Bond is old and washed up. Was there a huge time skip? Normally I wouldn’t have to think about it because Bond films have such loose canon connections anyway, but with Spectre, I have to take note of the discrepancies and now it’s just confusing!

On the plus side, I did like that Q, Moneypenny, and M all got to be actual characters involved in the story this time. It felt like Bond really had a team. Granted, the last two Mission Impossible films did the same thing WAY BETTER. In fact, Spectre felt like a less fun version of MI:5. I mean, you could argue that the Craig era Bond films have been wildly derivative of whatever movie is currently popular, but at least that James Bond coat of paint gave them their unique identity. But Spectre just isn’t really doing it for me this time, it’s derivative while failing to sell me on the James Bond charm.

I didn’t hate Spectre, it was watchable. But it committed the one sin that a Bond film must avoid at all costs. It was boooooorrrrrring.

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  • IDPounder

    Hand me down my running shoes! The priest is hilarious in panel 4.

    And yah Alex, you hit most of the points I would’ve made in a Spectre review. It just didn’t know what kind of film it wanted to be, and ultimately disappointed on almost every front. That car chase scene…argh! I was almost shouting at the screen in that one. You have a $10 million car, and THAT’S the best you can do??!?

    • Kid Chaos

      Actually, it’s more like $4.5 million at current exchange rates. 😜 As for the rest…*sigh* “Spectre” brings to mind my thoughts on 3-D movies; great concept, poor execution. The concept of Spectre from the “good old days” of Connery and Moore was enough to get Bond fans like myself all hot and bothered for almost a year before the release. It combines the nostalgia factor with modern special effects and Craig’s recent success in bringing Bond up to date. The finished product, however…*sigh* (again).

      I agree that the movie was over-long and bogged down with too much introspection. The car was wasted (allegedly ready for 009 and Q didn’t bother to load all the ammo? Seriously??? *sigh*), and the chase finale was a bit of an anticlimax. Spectre itself (the organization) was poorly written; sure, everyone likes a good conspiracy theory, and Bond needs a bad guy, the bigger the better. But it just didn’t make sense. I think they tried too hard to make it as old-school as possible, copying the previous Blofelds’ strange combination of civility and Bond Villain Stupidity. Sorry to rant for so long, but I take my Bond films seriously. Final rating: 7/10 (because I am not a harsh critic, but I am upset). 😈

      • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

        I suspect with the next incarnation of Bond, they’ll do a retro reboot and set it in the 60’s and either go dead serious period piece or full on camp.

        • Kid Chaos

          I don’t think that would be a good idea; I mean, we just did “The Man from UNCLE”, so they’ve got the ’60s locked up. No, my vision of Bond (which is superior to Hollywood’s vision, of course) has him staying in the modern era. Craig wants out (or so he says), so let’s bring on the new boy…but who? Hmmmm…Andrew Lincoln (“The Walking Dead”), maybe? 👿

          • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

            I enjoyed UNCLE but I think it kinda flopped in theaters? Dunno if we’ll be seeing a sequel any time soon. As far as new Bonds go, I hear Idris Elba’s name get tossed around a lot. I could get behind that.

          • Kid Chaos

            Idris Elba? Hmmmm…I like it! 😎

  • Bram Weinreder

    Would you say he’s ‘sticking to his guns’..? I’m here all evening, thank you ladies and gentlemen!

    On another note: yes I agree with most points. Andrew Scott as C was probaby the best part about Spectre… other than the moments where Bond was in over his head but still the best spy in the field.
    Especially the parts with Q reminded me of M:I but I prefer Simon Peg’s character.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Yes! When C showed up I was like “OH IT’S MORIARTY FROM SHERLOCK! He’s totally a badguy.” He plays such a great conniving bastard.

      • Kid Chaos

        Fun Fact: The head of the SIS (or “MI-6”, if you must) is known as “C” (for Captain Sir George Mansfield Smith-Cumming). 😁

      • Sunwu

        I made an audible Squeel in the theater and clapped my hands in delight for that exact reason and then the plot didn’t let him be more evil :(

      • Bram Weinreder

        He’s a total condescending douchebag who isn’t satisfied unless he’s scheming something. Hope he’s easier to work with in real life 😉

      • Kid Chaos

        Speaking of which, please, for the love of Bond, don’t let them go retro, and especially don’t go camp. Joel Shumacher might come out of retirement for this one. 😯

  • Breakfast

    For all his obnoxious posturing and warmongering (and his simplemindedness), I have to admit, I like Ricardo.

    But unfortunately, I get the feeling that the best course of action in this instance that would benefit our heroes is for him to die before he can explain HOW his merchandise is supposed to work.

    • Kid Chaos

      I don’t know if Genchu is ruthless enough for that. The priests certainly aren’t, as we just saw them save his life at great risk to their own. Anyhow, IMHO, that would be too easy for a certain webcomic creator. He wants a war, and he’s going to give us a war! 👿

      • Leo

        An all-out war between the Wataro army and a Portuguese guy with 15 rifles…

        I don’t really know where to place my money in this scenario.

        • Kid Chaos

          I mean a war between the Wataro and the Senshin, where the Wataro are equipped with guns…lots of guns. 😎

      • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

        WAR! What is it good for? High entertainment value!

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Luckily we don’t write the comic with the best course of action for our heroes as a high priority!

      • Breakfast

        Well, when I say ‘unfortunately’ I mean it in two ways: 1- Yes, it would be unfortunate if he dies, but most likely -2- It’s unfortunate for our heroes, because Ricardo is probably going to live long enough to explain guns and how to use them. After that, who knows? Which could also be very ‘unfortunate’.

  • TheMaskedFerret

    So, how long before ‘the world ends’?

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      That is an excellent philosophical question.

  • Jordan Hiller

    What I liked about Spectre: It tied together all the Craig films into a fairly coherent story, it brought back Blofeld, the supporting cast was well used and the action scenes (especially the fight with Bautista’s character) were pretty good. What I didn’t like: the plot was predictable, much of the story didn’t really make sense and it made the main villain into a petulant toddler rather than an impersonal and ruthless monster.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Blofeld has never been less intimidating than in Spectre! Which is saying something since he was always pretty cartoony. Bond beat him by shooting a helicopter out of the sky with a pistol!!! At the end of the movie I was like “Okay, James, I know you wanna keep sleeping with the cute 20 something blond girl who doesn’t want you to shoot people in the head anymore. But, you know, I think you can shoot this guy in the head and she’ll get over it, seeing as how he tied her up in an exploding building, and orchestrated your whole shitty life.”

      • Jordan Hiller

        It was just plain poor writing as a whole. There was a great Bond movie in Spectre, but there was so much poorly done stuff in it that it kind of ruined it.

      • https://www.etsy.com/shop/WeirdButCuteByGwyn?ref=hdr_shop_menu Neska

        I haven’t seen Spectre yet, but did Blofeld have a white cat? ’cause I’m convinced that, in the older films, the cat was the actual super-villain and the human was just controlled via feline telepathy. So if there wasn’t a kitty, then obviously it wasn’t the real Blofeld! Fear the kitty.

        • Kid Chaos

          The cat returns! Yes, the fluffy white cat with the jeweled collar was there, just in time to see the base go “bye-bye”. It’s a bit too coincidental; INTERPOL is investigating. 😸

          • https://www.etsy.com/shop/WeirdButCuteByGwyn?ref=hdr_shop_menu Neska

            It was only there briefly? Well, there’s the problem! How could he maintain proper mind control over his minions if he wasn’t there? Blofeld-kitty obviously overestimated his ability to manipulate the humans from a distance. He should do better next time.

  • Sunwu

    Daniel Craig has stated publicly that he does not like playing the role of bond and he finds the character too boring for him with the formula being 2 dimensional “shoot at stuff, have sex with girls, learn nothing.” which maybe why we see what we saw in Specter. Everyone’s phoning it in and going through the motions sure specter has crazy villains and chase scenes with explosions but you don’t feel excited about any of them AND NOT TO MENTION THE PLOT IS JUST A CAPTAIN AMERICA WINTER SOLIDER RIP OFF.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      It’s totes ripping off Winter Soldier big time. Skyfall got some flack for ripping of The Dark Knight, too. Even the director, Mendes, said he borrowed a lot of cinematography ideas from TDK (although the screenplay writers never said they ripped off TDK’s plot too). But I’ll take Skyfall over TDK any day because at least Skyfall has action scenes I can follow and some color to its palette. Also Craig’s Bond is just more fun to watch than Bale’s Batman. Take Ledger’s Joker performance out of TDK and you’ve got an extremely dour film!! So I don’t mind if Bond rips off of other popular movies, as long as Bond’s take on it is snappy and fun to watch. Not to mention action movies have been mining the whole ‘evil world surveillance network’ shtick ever since the U.S. military went gaga for drones and CIA phone tapping. Remember that Shia Labeouf movie where he’s be stalked by an AI surveillance network? That was like mid 00’s, I think. Eagle Eye, it’s watchable but I wouldn’t recommend it.

  • Derkins

    *munches popcorn*

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      I prefer pretzel bites, less stuff gets stuck between your teeth that way.

  • Flaming Squirrel

    I’m gonno go out on a limb here and say Captain Scarlet’s not having a good day. Unless, “GRAAAAAAH” is some his way of saying “BEST DAY EVERRRRRRR”

    I’m sorry, but I can’t clever and witty today. Please forgive me. :c

    • Derkins

      heh, “captain scarlet.”

      • Flaming Squirrel

        Yep. He’s Captain Indigo’s long lost dentist’s ex-wife’s cousin in law on is mother’s side thrice removed.

        • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

          Why there’s barely any relation at all!!

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      We can’t all clever all time.

  • Da’Zlein

    And then he killed them all and the war ended due to the Wataro losing all their aggressive generals….

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      That might require some serious Gun-kata action.

  • Jake

    can’t see the word “booooorrrring” without hearing it in Sheogorath’s voice

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Best questline in skyrim.

  • Tetsuhara

    I’m thinking those two in the last panel are really starting to come around to the idea that Ricardo is just too dangerous to be allowed to wander like this.

    And my take on Spectre is that it’s too long while being too incoherent. The film is trying too hard to be a love letter to the old Bond films at the expense of the plot and storytelling. Practically every scene was an homage to a prior film, and it felt like they were trying to cram in as many of these scenes as possible. That they were trying to fit in a story that should’ve taken 2-3 films to tell into one because they were going to lose Craig.

    And the villain motivation was just badly written, period. If they had done something along the lines of having MI6 be responsible for Blofeld’s father’s death so they could take in Bond and adopt him into becoming an agent, or that the father was involved in something illegal and MI6 had to take him out and accidentally killed Blofeld, or so they thought, and adopted Bond out of a sense of remorse, then it would have made for a lot better justification rather then Blofelt just being bat-guano crazy, and also given Bond a much better additional reason for wanting to retire. In fact, that’s where I thought they were going at first and boy was I disappointed.

  • Bree

    I also saw the Bond film as being eerily similar to MI5, and was left thoroughly unimpressed.

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