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Maybe Eijiro can think of a way to prevent Hirotomo from discovering all his son’s wheelings and dealings without having to murder allies! Or maybe he’s just digging himself into a deeper hole. Either way, I think he overestimates Nataku’s patience.

Friends, I saw Jurassic World today! It was BETTER THAN I EXPECTED. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t stupid, of course, but it was tongue in cheek enough to absolve itself of some of its movie sins. SPOILERS incoming!

I think my biggest problem with Jurassic World  is with the portrayal of the dinosaurs. When Spielberg was directing the first two films, the dinos felt and acted like wild animals. It felt like if you sat in a tree and a brachiosaurus leaned in to eat some leaves, it could accidentally crush your body with its massive head  if you weren’t real freakin’ careful. Sure, you could pet one, but a responsible parent probably wouldn’t put her kid in a petting zoo full of baby brachiosaurus and triceratops. I mean, they’re not goats! And yet that exact petting zoo  is in Jurassic World.

Essentially no one on this island is the SLIGHTEST bit concerned that they’re literally arm’s length away from genetically engineered murder machines. At one point there’s a shot of people canoeing down a river while  long necks and parasaurolophus drink from the water. What if one of those long necked dinos accidentally lifted up its head and knocked a canoe over? Better Lawyer Up, InGen! And don’t forget the infamous hamster ball scene, where kids are given full control over a spherical vehicle so they can drive alongside real big dinos! All it would take is one jerk attendee to decided to start ramming his sphere into every dino leg he could find just to  piss the animals off. Next thing you know you’ve got someone suing the park because he got a neck injury while  his sphere was being knocked around and crushed by angry dinosaurs. AND THEN THERE’S THE MOSASAURUS!! It’s that giant alligator dino in the water. That thing is so huge I have no idea how they contain it. But here’s the crazy part, at the end of the movie it just shoves itself halfway onto dry land, right in the center of the park’s common area, and eats up the evil Indominus Rex, the villain dino of the movie! So I guess basically the mosasaurus could’ve hopped out of the water and eaten like fifteen park attendees at any time if it’d felt like it?? And yet we’re lead to believe that NO ONE has died on in Jurassic World since it opened. Hey, I guess they’re doing something right!

I said earlier that no one is afraid of the dinos on the island, except for the Indominus Rex, a super dino that was created by mixing a T-Rex with Superman’s kryptonian DNA. Bullets bounce off of it or have seemingly no effect. It can camouflage itself, as well as mask its infrared heat signature. It’s also smart enough to lead people  into elaborate traps, despite never having experienced anything outside of the cage it grew up in! And let us not forget its super strength. When it escapes its paddock, it crumples the iron blast door holding it in like the thing is tin foil! In fact, it pretty much rams through every human made structure it comes across to no apparent ill effect. I have no idea why it didn’t bust out a long time ago! In the end, it takes the combined power of three raptors, a T-Rex, and the Mosasaurus to take it down. Why all the dinosaurs felt like teaming up to kill the Indominus when there were lots of juicy humans just sitting around waiting to be eaten is a little beyond me, but I guess that’s the kind of stuff I’m referring to when I say that the dinos don’t seem to act like real wild animals.

The whole movie also has a much more overt scifi aesthetic than any of the other films in the franchise. It’s supposedly modern day, but we see holographic dinos and holographic touch displays, as well as those crazy sphere cars and a lot of futuristic looking guns. Combined with the very dangerous looking rides and attractions, and an overuse of CG, it all has the effect of making the movie feel very staged and implausible. I know, it’s a movie about a dinosaur park, of course it’s implausible! But the first film felt like it could really happen, it had a sort of hyper reality to it.

I remember a lot of people wondering why the parents in the movie would send their children to a dinosaur park alone, but in the film it’s revealed that the park’s manager is their aunt. This actually leads to an even bigger plot hole, why have these kids never been to Jurassic World BEFORE NOW?? That’s like if your uncle was the manager of DisneyLand, wouldn’t you be taking a family vacation there every year? Especially if your kid was really into Disney like the kid in the movie is really into dinosaurs?

But, hey, I said I enjoyed this movie, and I wasn’t lying! The characters are fun, there’s some great banter. It’s all very cartoony and tongue in cheek, and the actors seem to be having a good time. Chris Pratt definitely elevates the overall entertainment value of the film, portraying his smartest character to date! I also enjoyed all the subtle and not so subtle callbacks to Jurassic Park, and the return of Henry Wu, now a more fleshed out character than his brief part in the original film. And as much as I would’ve loved to have seen Grant or Malcolm return in World, having a totally new cast not carrying any of the emotional baggage from the previous films was a refreshing change of pace. I was also very ready to hate the whole “Chris Pratt controls the raptors” bit that the trailers showed, but then they made a point of saying “this is a really bad idea” so when it actually worked it didn’t feel as dumb! It was still kinda dumb, though. But, also, I suppose, totally rad!

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  • Kid Chaos

    Eijiro, you little devil! What are you plotting now…?

  • KungFuKlobber

    My hatred for Pipsqueak has just decreased by 40%!

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      A record low!

  • charles81

    Thats totally different from plotting the assassination of your own brother

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      HAHAH! Not that it excuses Eijiro’s actions, but Hirotomo already ordered Yorikiro’s banishment and assassination, and Eijiro really wants to win his dad’s favor.

  • Wolfy098

    Seems Eijiro is finally working out that he’s teamed up with a foolhardy, bloodthirsty lunatic.

    • Mike

      Bloodthirsty, sure. But he hasn’t been foolhardy so far; I mean he hasn’t been caught. Clever AND malicious is not a combination you want around anyways though.

      • Wolfy098

        Correct me if I’m wrong but Nataku hasn’t suggested a single solution that doesn’t involve killing things. He also wanted to lead what was essentinally a suicide charge in 477.That seems pretty foolhardy to me.

        • KungFuKlobber

          “Don’t ever stop not killing!”

        • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

          Nataku clearly has a preferred means of resolution to problems! I also suspect that he didn’t consider the brute force push forward as a suicidal assault. Considering his fighting prowess, he probably figured he’d just spearhead the whole thing!

          • Wolfy098

            That in itself is worrying, it shows him to be overconfident and completely unconcerned with deaths in his own force. Not unrepentant but unconcerned.
            He has been shown to be a powerful fighter but an awful general.

          • Kid Chaos

            What diabolical scheme has seized Nataku’s crazed imagination?

          • Mike

            Violence! If it isn’t solving all of your problems, you aren’t using enough of it.

          • Neska

            Whether or not it’s the best solution, violence is always a solution!

    • Speedy Marsh

      “If Nataku would kill our own general, then who else would he kill? … (gulp)”

  • Xinef

    Simple, just send him for vacations to Canary Islands or somewhere.

  • Flaming Squirrel

    Eijiro never lets Nataku have any fun! Shooting birds is fine, but it gets boring after a while… *pouts*

    I thought the trailers for Jurassic World looked cool, but I knew from the start that I’d have to ignore that nagging little voice in my head asking “Why are they doing this AGAIN?!” the whole time. And don’t give me that “people are greedy and doomed to repeat their own mistakes” line, because that plot mechanic doesn’t work without some other guiding force to go along with it… even if it is true.
    In other news, I just went to see Age of Ultron yesterday! I know, I’m probably the last guy on earth to see it, but I really liked it. I thought, in the end, they had brought in a couple too many heroes to really keep track of them all during the final battle, but that’s it. I especially loved the banter, even if Ultron made a little too much of it.

    • Kid Chaos

      I liked “Jurassic World”, too, even though I could easily nitpick the thing to death (like a certain webcomic creator I know). The ending was pretty good; a bit of a Call Back to “JP” (original). I especially liked the way Vincent D’Onofrio got killed by the same raptors that he hoped to profit from. The whole idea was stupid, at any rate; I mean, the raptors might take orders under certain conditions, but they’re not dogs. Nowhere near reliable enough to use in combat (not that this ever stopped anyone before…O.K., so even I can be nitpicky on occasion).

      • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

        If you’re gonna nitpick a Hollywood blockbuster, Kid, this is the site to do it! I actually laughed hysterically through the entire end of JW when all the ‘good’ dinos teamed up against the ‘bad’ one. It was hilariously over the top. When the T-Rex saved the Grant and co. in the original film, it at least felt like maybe the T-Rex was just hunting for prey and saw the raptors as easy targets with their backs turned to him. Sure, it requires some suspension of disbelief, but the ending to Jurassic World is basically a comic book monster movie, it’s totally implausible!!

        • Leo

          I actually loved that scene, myself. The appearance of the T-Rex was satisfying as hell, and it was very well filmed (Especially liked the long shot following the humans but at the same time showing the fight) and while the movie had a lot of stupid things… I think I’ll defend this particular one.

          Indominus: I hate everyone and nothing has stopped me in the past, so I go against everyone.
          Raptor: Fucker killed most of my brothers and right now I stand a real fighting chance.
          T-Rex: Ok… I was just tricked into hitting this really angry thing. I guess that was idiotic of me, but while we are here better make this my priority number 1
          Mosasaurus: Mh… That one’s the biggest. More food for me. I think this is a very simple equation.
          Humans: Better stay the fuck away of this whole thing.

          What still doesn’t make sense is the nod of acknowledgement between the dinos at the end and the agreement of each one going their way while the humans are still there and tasty as they ever were. But like a lot of the stuff in the movie, the final result is satisfying enough to let the nitpicks have a back seat.

        • Neska

          Once I saw Indominus Rex I thought: Okay, we have a kaiju, we’re on Gojira rules!
          When you look at them all as kaiju, s’all good.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      No doubt the banter is the best part of Age of Ultron. It was far from a bad movie, it just felt like it didn’t rise above other recent Marvel films, even though it’s touted as the central through-line of the franchise.

  • Astralfury

    Haha he is like a cat, that 5th panel he totally has an “awww c’mon…just…one slash?” Look going on.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      He also loves belly rubs.

      • Neska

        Bloodthirstyness and loving of belly rubs can be found seperately: my great big cuddly Kouyou kitty loves belly rubs but, as far as I know, has never killed anything. He’s just 18lbs of adorable patheticness! (a full pound of which is fur)

    • Flaming Squirrel

      Nataku has been compares to a cat for,like, the last 3 pages. I refuse to believe this idea has been implanted in our heads unintentionally.

  • Sam DunKley

    …Eijiro is “pogo stick in the ocean” out of his depth, ain’t he.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      He has a difficult time recognizing it, I think. Or maybe he’s coming to realize it and he’s just trying to act like he was always on top, even if he’s only fooling himself.

  • IDPounder

    There was so much implausibility in Jurassic World that it sort of left me numb. I came out of that movie with only two main points lodged in my skull. First, that Chris Pratt has really come into his own as an actor, and I enjoyed his work. Second and most importantly though, I’d forgotten (implausibly) just how overwhelmingly gorgeous Bryce Dallas Howard really is. That makeup and wardrobe crew had to work extra hard in the beginning to tone that down with a more “snooty” air, but by the end when she’s in dishabille, lying in the courtyard to try keep from being curbstomped during the dino fight…rowr.

    Whisky and redheaded women. Really, what more is there to life?

    • Kid Chaos

      The most implausible thing was Bryce Dallas doing all that stuff in high heels. Not that I’m complaining…

      • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

        She made it look rather plausible, actually.

        • leavescat

          Certainly more plausible than knocking someone out in a manner that causes the keyring they were holding to fall into the correct lock and turn properly in order to unlock it.

          • Kid Chaos

            IMPLAUSIBLE!

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Sir, I do not disagree with you on any particular point!

    • Neska

      Pastry crust and raspberry tea.

  • clogboy

    He’s going to blame Ina and the gang, isn’t he. And Jon Snow is a secret Targaryen.

    Just two wild theories I thought I should get out there… 😉

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      One of these two things is likely true.

  • Da’Zlein

    Nataku looks so disappointed that he’s not allowed to kill Atsumori…

  • Xinef

    “So why are we starting this war anyway?”
    “We need money, and their province is rich and prosperous.”
    “And why do we need the money, anyway?”
    “Oh, we just spent a fortune on trained messenger hawks… you know, they’re super expensive to breed and train… but they keep dying in unknown circumstances. This has cost us more than the whole army upkeep for the last few years!”

  • Sunwu

    Am I the only one who suddenly wants Fried Chicken after looking at that dead hawk? Come down to Wataro’s for Kyoto Fried Chicken!!!

  • Ben Johnston

    Aw…. Finally caught up… I am the sadness now….

  • Zapmolcuno

    Wait

    did I just read 610 pages of webcomic in a single day

    DID I JUST FREAKIN CATCH UP ON A 7+ YEAR OLD COMIC

    H O W

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      I’m going to take that as a sign that it was a good read!

  • Bree

    Your views of movies are best views.

  • Insane Disciple

    Smart kid🤨

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