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What’s Cho know that we don’t know?? Matrix seems to know that Cho knows what we don’t know, but I dunno if I wanna know, ya know?

Let’s talk about Jupiter Ascending! I really liked the part where Mila Kunis said she wanted to sleep with dog people, I think it was the one time I laughed at something the movie intended me to laugh at! But let’s just go into spoiler here. SPOILERS, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!! 

So there are a couple things in this movie that don’t make sense…Why would five heavily armed black clad commandos break into some lower middle class couple’s well lit apartment to steal their wallets and a telescope?? Who are these guys? Why not try breaking into an apartment that looks empty if the goal is to steal things? They certainly were willing to murder for about fifty bucks in change and a kind of expensive looking telescope. I kept waiting the whole movie to get an explanation about who the main character’s father was, and what he did to get a hit put on him. But APPARENTLY, it’s just common in Russia to have commandos murder you and steal your wallet.

Why, in a society that can literally control genetics and make all these different half human species, do they need to harvest innocent people to get some blue glowing goo that makes you young again? I mean, is there any science to that? What liquidized part of a person is able to rejuvenate you? And is there any reason this super advanced society can’t just replicate whatever the blue goo is made of without having to harvest planets full of people? Also, why keep the blue goo that’s so valuable in easily breakable glass containers? Just seems like common sense to keep them in plastic containers or something.

Why build a huge, sprawling cityscape in the middle of Jupiter’s red spot hurricane if it can be so easily destroyed by a single small object breaking through its shield? Seems like a really dumb place to build a huge sprawling city if it’s so easily annihilated. Heck, I’m not even sure if Channing Tatum did it intentionally or was just trying to get into the city and inadvertently destroyed it! Either way, wouldn’t wanna live there, is all I’m saying.

And then there’s Mila Kunis’ complete passivity throughout the entire film. She does virtually NOTHING at all other than fall off buildings and get rescued by Channing Tatum. I was wondering if the scene where Channing’s saving Mila from a wedding a la ‘The Graduate’ was the finale, but NO, there was a whole other plot sequence where Channing had to save Mila from signing a contract!  IT WAS THE SAME SCENE! They should’ve just combined them so she had to get married AND sign the contract at the same time, would’ve cut the movie down by half an hour, which I’d have appreciated!

The Wachowski siblings are film creators whose career I follow with continued disappointment, much like George Lucas, or M Night Shmyaamlina. I want to give these guys the benefit of the doubt because they’ve all made movies I love to death but, WOO BOY, what a bunch a stinkers they keep giving us!! I’d still watch Jupiter Ascending over a Star Wars prequel, though.

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  • IDPounder

    That’s…actually very profound! I’m going to have to remember that one.

    • Kid Chaos

      Jack Sparrow: “The only rules that really matter are these: what a man *can* do and what a man *can’t* do.”
      –Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

      • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

        And so we are all men of our word, except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a woman.

        • Unhooked

          “Must have been terrible for you to be trapped here Jack. Must have been terrible for you.” Well it bloody is now!

          • Kid Chaos

            There’ll be no living with her after this.

    • Ryan

      Advising someone to find loopholes in the rules is profound?

      • IDPounder

        I didn’t see this as such. Matrix was pointing out that people tend to be so bound up by rules prohibiting specific actions, that they forget to explore the possibilities of a situation to find alternatives outside those parameters.

        At its simplest: think outside the box.

        • Ryan

          But as a mischievous spirit, doesn’t it make more sense that she’d be telling him to find creative ways to break the rules?

        • Xinef

          I would recommend thinking inside the chimney then.

          • IDPounder

            That sounds more like Cho. However, there would have to be angry badgers and a water clock involved, somehow.

          • Jake

            Easier for the angry badger to wind a water clock than it is for the snake to gain legs and fly….

          • Kid Chaos

            They’re not “rules”; more like…”guidelines”.

  • Little Kingsguard

    Calling it now: Cho invents the latest and greatest in not-yet-forbidden techniques: The 1001 Fists Of Fury!

    • Hfar

      Naw, he will invent an even greater technique: the 1000 Filet of Fins! A technique for preparing fish so delicious that even Brother’s Tang and Wu will have to admit that Cho is his master’s chosen disciple.

      • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

        FISH AIN’T BREAKFAST!

        • CaptainBetrayer

          Every time I read that line. Every time I see something resembling fish on a plate. Every time I hear someone say something even close to it, my smile becomes serial killer huge and creepy, and there’s a half chance that I will laugh out loud so hard that I see spots and become lightheaded. No matter what, you may have won forever with ‘FISH AIN’T BREAKFAST’.

          • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

            Sir, that is the ideal reaction.

    • Ryan

      Why not the 999 Fists of Fury? It’s slightly easier and faster to execute and only does slightly less damage (unless you announce your attacks, in which case it’s unfortunately 4 syllables longer). It’s like those Super Smash characters that are faster/lighter palette-swaps of other characters. And you can’t possibly argue that it’s an extension of the 1000 Fists of Fury, so there’s no issues with the rules.

      • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

        So we should palette swap Cho, is what you’re saying.

        • Ryan

          He will learn the new technique, change into new color robes, maybe get a little tanner, and become his own pallette-swap. Just like Gandalf.

        • charles81

          *gasp* NEGACHO!

          FIGHT!

      • charles81

        Why not the 999 Fists of Fury? Check back to when Brother Wu used it. only the 1000’th punch really delivers. The other 999 are pretty much just powering it up.

  • Astralfury

    Poor Cho, she walked off before he could get a better or more obscure proverb in there. I hate it when that happens.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Matrix likes to drop the mic in any given conversation.

      • Astralfury

        I like to think of the last panel as Cho being all “fuck, I just thought of a good one too, it involved a midnight badger stealing the honey from the sleeping bee and EVERYTHING”

  • clogboy

    This reveals so much about Cho’s character. He’s not just blind, he’s also oblivious. The teachings of the Tao learned him to be a master of improvisation (which can be interpreted as channeling the Kami’s will) and all this time I thought there was more to him than that.
    It’s good to see how Matrix inspires him to take initiative and (I’m gonna call it) invent a new technique.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Cho’s pretty bummed that he didn’t live up to your expectations, clogboy. Maybe he’ll make it up to you down the line.

      • clogboy

        In his own words, how bummed? (Come on, you do owe us at least one vague proverb after all this 😉 )

        Don’t get me wrong. Cho is a very likeable character and I like it when he kicks ass.

  • Hfar

    And if anything, remember the words of sage Ken, “Don’t ever stop not dying!”

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      And we all thought Cho was the wise one.

  • Flaming Squirrel

    Cho: “Did you get any of that?”
    Cho’s Fist: “Not a word, man.”

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Cho’s Fist: “That tree ain’t gonna keep punchin’ itself, dude.”

      • TheMaskedFerret

        That should be what his new move is. Tang and Wu, why do you keep punching yourselves?

      • Flaming Squirrel

        Cho’s Foot: “Hey guys, why don’t we just use the 10,000 Crotch Kicks of ScruYu?”
        Cho and Cho’s Fist: “Shut up, foot!”

        • Sunwu

          Cho’s hat: they will all be crushed soon enough

          • Flaming Squirrel

            Cho’s Mouth: “But if the wild Chihuahua passes enough time over the coals, eventually it will become a hot dog.”

          • Neska

            Chihuahuas were originally bred as a food source . . .

  • Mike

    She’s a trouble-stirrer all right. And she’s making a big ol’ vat of better group soup!

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      I would upvote this comment more than once if the system allowed it.

    • Ryan

      Deus ex Matrix-a

  • Ryan

    In answer to your question of what liquidized part of a person is able to rejuvenate you:
    http://s3.jspenguin.org/futurama_stem_cells_1.jpeg
    http://media1.giphy.com/media/Op1JHyaB6ns4g/200_s.gif
    Of course, if you’re willing to murder adults for stem cells, you may as well kill embryos instead since they have the best stem cells.

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      Correction, Wachowski siblings*! Also, if they wanted to avoid being derivative, maybe they should’ve just excised the whole ‘harvesting large numbers of humans for nonsensical reasons’ bit! I want to lather myself in stem cells, Farnsworth’s A GENIUS.

      • Ryan

        “Come on stem cells! Work your astounding scientific nonsense!”

      • solkan

        I went to see the movie last week. In the pre-movie commercials was an advertisement for one of the local plasma “donation” centers. It was better accidental framing for the movie. :)

        Honestly, my big complaint about the “Let’s grow this planet full of wild humans” bit was spending all the effort on reconstruction and memory erasing. It’s a planet of wild, primitive breeding stock. If anything, they should have just shrugged and said, “Oh, you’ll just write it off as a terrorist attack or something after they drop a delusion-induction bomb in the area.” >:-}

        Seeding a planet to let it grow wild and performing the occasional harvest makes sense when it’s the practical way of growing a few million tons of “human like” bio-mass.

        It might have been nice to put in a throw away line about “For all our technology, there are factors that just can’t be reproduced artificially. They have to be grown and harvested the old fashioned way.” Or “We grow animals in farms and slaughter them because vat grown meat doesn’t taste as good.”

        Then again, it would have been really nice if the film had focused more on the interesting ideas like the effective human caste system that such bio-mass farms create. I assume that ideas like that are why they had the “a day at the royalty licensing center” scene, anyway.

  • Sam DunKley

    Why, exactly, is Matrix’s speech bubble all…Ken-esque? Did what Cho said piss her off?

    • http://www.nn4b.com suburban_samurai

      It is a distinct possibility.

  • Xinef

    I have a strange feeling that if the rules were to tell you everything you can do, they’d be pretty hard to remember. And try finding anything useful amongst all the “You can count to 12947190471024912” or “You can punch a falcon” or “You can say hi to a tree”…

    • jwkovell

      Sure, but Matrix isn’t asking for more rules, just stating their limitations.

      Saying “the problem with baseball is it’s boring” doesn’t mean “Let’s go watch 12 baseball games being played simultaneously on the same field.” Actually, that’d be pretty fun!

      • Xinef

        Being an engineer, I define problems as “something that needs a solution”. So if the problem is that rules don’t tell you what you can do, I consider the possible solution (rules that tell you what you can do) and even the solution implied by Matrix (she said “everything you can do” so I consider rules that tell you everything you can do.

        If this solution seems to be worse than the initial situation, then I would say that the initial situation is not a problem, because it does not need a solution.

        Now, the question is, are bazillions of silly rules better or worse than what we have right now? … And I don’t know the answer, but I know Tao does :)

        • jwkovell

          I could see that interpretation. However, I don’t have to agree with that definition for “problem”.

          “Problem” could mean “flaw”, which doesn’t not necessarily mean there’s a fix. If I may continue with the baseball analogy, any changes to the rules to make it exciting makes it no longer baseball – therefore it is a problem with no solution (assuming you agree with the premise, of course).

          Matrix, by her very nature, views all rules as inherently flawed. They merely exist to be broken/thwarted/bypassed/bent.

          • Xinef

            Sure enough, other definitions for a problem exist. But if there’s no way to change the situation for better, then technically… it is the best possible situation. So if the situation being the best possible is a problem, then I see such definitions as confusing to work with 😛

            As for changing the rules, I like to invent new rules for chess. Like for example one side is a fortress under siege (pawns are walls, rooks are castle towers etc.), while the other side has siege towers and foot soldiers instead. Every turn both players can move as many pieces as they want (except immobile ones). Is it more interesting than the normal rules? Probably not. But inventing new rules is.

          • Jake

            then i guess it’s up to each individual to do something that necessitates a rule against doing it. sort of like developing a skewed sense of logic about touching hot things with bare hands- okay to do only in emergencies or to accomplish a set goal (see also Indiana Jones and lost ark) but as common sense rules go “just don’t touch hot things….”

        • Mike

          *singing* Malcolm solves his problems with a chain-saw! Malcolm solves his problems with a chain-saw! And he never has the same problem twice!
          -Arrogant Worms

  • Sunwu

    one of the main issues of Rise of Jupiter was that they couldn’t decide on how to end the movie like you said it was the same scene and basically the main character had to be rescued like 3 diffrent times from each of the siblings AND they had no build up what so ever for the romance it was just “hey I like you now”

  • charles81

    forbidden to learn The Thousand Fists of Fury
    permitted to learn The Thousand Blocks of Frustration

  • charles81

    Panel 1 – Cho: “I can see down your… no, wait. I can’t” :(

    • Xinef

      “I don’t see what you did there” – Cho

  • dude

    Sgon be ok Alex you’re a champ!
    One thing at a time

  • tinwatchman

    Matrix, put those things away. You know they’d be wasted on a monk even if he *wasn’t* blind.

    • Kid Chaos

      Depends on the monk. 😍

  • Neska

    The best way to win any game is to do something unexpected but not forbidden . . . like when I summon the zombie hordes in a game of Go to slay a dragon . . .

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