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Ryoushi’s not just gonna let that whole arrow stunt slide. It’s suicide time! This is like Genchu’s worst day ever.

So I saw this movie, maybe you’ve heard of it, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY! It’s okay, I guess! Have some of my stupid opinions, why not-

Pros: So much funny banter! Peter Quill is my new favorite Marvel character maybe I guess? Yeah, I think he is. Also, cool spaceships, I like ’em!

Cons: CARTOON PHYSICS! Everyone bounces off explosions and flops around like indestructible plastic fish and then the movie says “fear their possible demise!” and I’m like “nope, sorry, movie. You have gone out of your way to TEACH ME that spaceship crashes and explosions do not hurt these people and I can no longer feel an ounce of concern for their well being!!” It kind of makes the supposed emotional stuff at the end a bit less so, is all I’m sayin’. SOME TONAL INCONSISTENCY!

To be fair, my cons basically apply to all the Marvel movies (although Captain America 2 did a much better job of grounding its story than most). Tell me I’m not the only one getting tired of the over CG’d action adventure experience! I think it’s not so much the quality of the effects that hurts newer films but the lack of restraint in how much stuff gets put into them. There’s no room to digest the big impressive set pieces because you’re already onto the next ‘ooh ahh’ moment! Slow down, movies, take a breather, I can only ‘ooh ahh’ so much before I stop caring. Try showing us something impressive, then relaxing for a little bit before showing us the next impressive thing. IT’S CALLED PACING and I remember a time where it was very effectively implemented in films. Also make your movies shorter! GEEZ DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE OVER 2 HOURS LONGS NOW!!! Concise storytelling can actually be a pleasurable viewing experience, you know!

PS. Did anyone else think of The Last Starfighter when those little fighter ships linked up to create a force field?

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  • SKy

    If you have nothing to lose, at least take him with you.

    • suburban_samurai

      Clearly Ryoushi’s last thoughts on the matter.

  • Slograman

    “He was going to fall. The only choice was between falling on rocks or falling on water. And that was a choice that more or less made itself.”
    Ryoushi’s about to go squish!

    • suburban_samurai

      FUN FACT! Abercrombie is arguably a better author then GRR Martin. Wish someone would pay me to draw Best Served Cold.

  • Sahan Amaratunge

    That’s right guys, hug it out.

    • suburban_samurai

      This is how they express their true feelings for one another.

  • Mike

    If popular television and comics have taught us anything, it’s that plunging people into a river in a ravine is a 100% sure way to not actually kill them and in fact allow them to escape! Sheesh, no wonder the Demons can’t get anyone killed. Just noticed the Last Starfighter comment. Totally, but fortunately for everyone their guns did not share sound effects with those ships.

    • Yasmin Mazur

      to be honest – that trope was used for the original Sherlock Holmes – so not so much TV and cartoons – more like old-time cliff-hangers…

      • suburban_samurai

        You can’t get more classic than falling off a cliff!

        • Jonathan B

          Did you ever see the old Cliff Hanger children’s cartoons?

          • suburban_samurai

            I approve of this educational programming!

          • Have a rock

            Man, that was probably my favorite part of the show, along with Gawain’s Word. Ah…nostalgia.


          • Sunwu

            every time someone says the word “cliff hanger” I hear the guys singing

    • suburban_samurai

      I wonder how many times NN4B will use the ‘fall into water to escape’ trope before it’s over. I think we’ve used it…three time so far? If this were modern day they could at least fall onto a speeding boat or train or airplane! Maybe someone can fall onto a speeding palanquin to vary it up next time.

  • KungFuKlobber

    No way either of them survives a fall like this, especially with gaping arrow wounds near their vitals. Not without CARTOON PHYSICS!

    • suburban_samurai

      Good thing they’re cartoons! For whatever reason, suspension of disbelief is a lot easier to stretch with cartoon characters. It’s the live action films that employ so much cartoon physics that break my immersion. Anyway, that’s just how I feel about it! What do you think? (that’s a Daniel Jackson quote, by the way)

      • KungFuKlobber

        But it’s a movie based on a comic book. Imagine a No Need for Bushido movie where Ken couldn’t even lift that ridiculous sword, let alone swing it.

        • suburban_samurai

          I dunno, Sanosuke has a giant sword in the live action Kenshin movie and it works pretty well, all practical effects and wire work! I’m sure a live action Bushido movie would have to either make some concessions are just be off the wall zany with no apologies about having realistic physics. But if that’s the case, it would also have to abandon any pretense toward building up much drama, it’d be too silly! It’s like when a Michael Bay movie suddenly tries to play it ‘sad’ and it doesn’t work, because everything up to that point has been so inane and random that there’s no hope of us feeling anything but apathy for the main cast’s plight. I admit I’m kind of a movie snob, but Gamora literally had her spaceship explode around her and she just popped out into the vacuum of space and she was fine by the next scene. At that point I kind of threw up my hands and thought “well, I guess this is an ‘anything goes’ sort of zany universe where the stakes don’t matter!” Like I say, I enjoyed GotG, I laughed A LOT, and it was good! It just wasn’t great and my hype meter was through the roof, so even though I should’ve walked away overjoyed at how much fun I had, I couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed with how loose and disorganized the script sometimes felt. The scene with the collector’s suicidal secretary was very off putting and the finale was all over the place tonally. A character just died! He’s some jokes! OH GEEZ I’m ranting. I’m also a hypocrite because NN4B plays it real loose too. But it’s not a two hours hollywood blockbuster that cost millions of dollars to make either. I often think it’s odd how every Hollywood movie doesn’t have a stellar script backing it up seeing as all that money is involved! I’m done now, I’m shutting up!

          • KungFuKlobber

            All of the best screenwriters are too busy with TV, except the rare occasions when Joss Whedon pops out of his hole to make a movie.

          • suburban_samurai

            Yeah, TV has definitely usurped movies in the ‘engaging storytelling’ department. It’s kind of like television has become the new movie experience, and movies have become the Saturday morning cartoon experience. I know I’m super over generalizing! But geez the amount of great, high quality TV shows out there right now is crazy!

      • Speedy Marsh

        Guardians is one of my favorite movies of all time, because it refuses to take itself seriously. So many movies based on comic books suck, because they want to be believable. Batman movies are just depressing, when they want to be realistic.

  • Astralfury

    Pretty sure punting him off a cliff makes them even for the whole punting his dog thing.

    • suburban_samurai

      But does it make them even for the whole “put an arrow in your throat” thing? I guess it was Ryoushi’s arrow to begin with…

      • Astralfury

        Hmm you’re right, that means they are just drawing so far…There’s nothing for it, IT’S A DROWN OFF!

      • Xinef

        So this whole fight scene is just the samurai version of a gentlemen conversation:
        Genchu: Excuse me, sir Ryoushi, I found this on me. Is it yours?
        Ryoushi: Thank you good sir. It is indeed my arrow. I’m very grateful for you returning it.
        Genchu: The pleasure is all mine.

  • Yacc


    • TekServer

      No, not dam, cliff.

  • charles81

    Clearly, Genchu is going to ride Ryoshi like a canoe.

    • suburban_samurai

      Or a surfboard, that’s more Genchu’s style. Cowabunga, dudes!

  • Have a rock

    “I’m sorry, I couldn’t quite catch that, could you say that again please?”

    • suburban_samurai

      Rubbing salt in the wound. Ryoushi’s trying, at least! Let’s not even get into Uso’s poor performance.

  • Sunwu

    Gandalf!!!!! Er I mean…. Genchu!!!!

    Genchu: pull all the fingers you fools!!!!

    • suburban_samurai

      The dark fire will not avail you, Ryoushi. Go back to the Shadow!

  • Sunwu

    Genchu?? Mote like Gen-choke!!

    • suburban_samurai

      You did the best you could with what you had, I’ll give you that!

  • Jake

    About the over CG’d experience and cartoon physics, I’d have to say this… “SHHHHHH! I don’t want to be out of a job”:*(

    • suburban_samurai

      I would hope movies would still require a great deal of CG work even if my dreams came true of a resurgence of a more grounded cinema universe! Game of Thrones has a tremendous amount of CG done for it and my eyes don’t roll over every time an action scene happens.

  • Lady Courage

    Genchu: Maaaaaan what was the point of me jabbing an arrow into YOUR FREAKIN’ THROAT if you weren’t gonna die!? Stop defeating the purpose!

    • suburban_samurai

      Ugh, oh GEEZ you totally RUINED my moment! And now, you know, we’re falling. Suckz.

      • Lady Courage

        Plus I’m pretty sure my fabu hair day is OFFICIALLY over! There is NOTHING worse for a perf ‘do than falling off a cliff, bouncing down a snow drift and plunging into a freezing river. Don’t even try it, man. Except, oh wait, we ARE!

  • Johannes Hjortshøj


  • Madison Link

    But at least now he can get his sword back

  • Jonathan B

    Thumbs up for the Last Starfighter reference! Guardians was just 2 minutes over 2 hours on runtime, and i thought it did a decent job of shoehorning in backstory in that time constraint. We pretty much knew who everyone was by the end of it. Guardians is one that could actually probably have stretched to 3 hours if they’d given more pacing. And if they chose their additions and stretches wisely, I could be cool with that. I felt like every character got a little character development. All of the good guys were actually likable in one way or another at some point in the movie; too many hero films nowadays have heroes that are difficult to distinguish from their villains. They did a surprisingly good job with Groot, actually. To have a central character with a 3-word vocabulary and manage to use those 3 words with varied inflections accurately, I was impressed. Even the secondary characters mostly had something to identify them. Secondary characters with actual personality…..more movies should do this. Avoiding spoilers is hard, or I’d throw in a few more thoughts on some specific characters.

    Also, Vin Diesel plays a tree. That sentence is never getting old.

    • Kid Chaos

      His performance was a bit wooden. :)

  • Scott Henry


  • BobbyBG33k

    And then, Genchu was saved by a water nymph. They got married and he took up fishing to support his new family. The End….or so they thought.

  • suzuki_formerly_zack

    genchu be like: sorry sir, I do not speak “death gurgle” might you rephrase in japanese?

  • Insane Disciple

    Ah, that trait of taking your opponent with you. So, annoying

  • MoveAlongCitizen

    Things were getting too hot for Genchu, so he decided to take a cold shower.

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